But is it really friendship, or just sharing space in a coffee shop?

I have been increasingly having conversations with people my age about what friendship means to them, and how they navigate the complicated world that is making new friends as an adult. Where do you meet friends? Everyone seems already established in long-standing friendships. How do you go about befriending someone you admire? How do you navigate the miscommunications that can happen over social media? How do you decide when a friendship is ‘over’? How do you walk away from a long-term friendship when it feels one-sided?

So many things to consider. I feel like friendship (I’m speaking as a 20-something female here) is an area we don’t often talk about, or we feel too much shame to admit that we struggle with. We don’t want to come across as ‘weird’ for admitting we are lonely- and we don’t want to seem like we have poor social skills.

The more I have talked to people, the more I realise that I have some basic principles that help me to navigate friendships, and even to choose what type of people I want to be around to make my life richer. I still struggle sometimes but I find these principles make an enormous difference to my own mental health and quality of relationships. Here’s a little list.

1. Have friends who are nothing like you.

   This includes their upbringing, their cultural background perhaps, their religious beliefs (or lack thereof), and their interests. I have friends from backgrounds I can hardly wrap my head around. It’s kind of nice to not be surrounded by people who look the same, talk the same and have roughly the same social- standing as you. I’ve found it really rewarding to broaden my own horizons by spending time with people different to me. And this is challenging at first- we like familiar, we like comfortable. That’s totally expected. I approach it with an attitude of ‘what can I learn from this person’ and ‘how can we grow together’

2. Have friends who are completely different ages to you

   I’m pretty passionate about this one specifically. I am pretty serious about having friends who are not in their 20’s in the same uni-young adult phase as me. I have friends having kids in their 30’s, friends in their 50’s, friends just finishing school, and I consider my own grandparents to be friends (we listen to each other, have cups of tea, care about how each other is going, i invite myself over all the time...qualifies as a friendship to me bahah). The age thing is important because I know I see things so narrowly according to my brief life experience. There is so much wisdom that people older than you can bring. And even just being exposed to ideas and advice from people who you trust, and have been around a little longer, is valuable.

3. Have friends who are willing to tell you the truth

   This one is a good measure of whether someone is actually a friend or just someone who occasionally drinks coffee in the same space as you. I have blind spots I can’t see; we all do. I think having people around you who love you dearly and are honest with you is important. This is not about people that are blunt, or rude, or have no care for your feelings. They aren’t friends. This is about people who are willing to give you actual advice, to call out a poor decision you’re making, to warn you, to offer wisdom. If I am about to make a decision that I’ll regret, I have allowed friends in my life who know they can be honest with me about that. This one requires you to give friends permission to be honest with you. It’s a tricky one. But this grows you and your friends if it is done well. If the people you are around are there for good Instagram stories and the parties but not willing to be honest with you… something to think about?

4. Have boundaries

   This one deserves a blog post of it’s own (I might write about it later) and is something I have previously struggled to grasp as a concept. Boundaries though, are so necessary. This means knowing your limits- one example is a principle I have where I try to make myself unavailable to reply to people on messenger after a certain time at night. Another idea is limiting how much about yourself you reveal- I’ve sooo been the person who blabs everything about myself quite quickly and only later realised that the person hadn’t yet shown me they could be trusted. Boundaries, when violated, can make you angry with others without knowing why. A friend asking a giant favour that you feel is unreasonable can make you angry with them- being okay with saying ‘no’ to some people at some times can stop resentment happening and also teach the other person to respect your boundaries. Boundaries don’t just keep things ‘out’, they respect and protect what’s ‘in’ (you).

5. Be the type of person you would want to be friends with.

   This obviously will be different for everyone, but here’s some traits I really value in people, so I try to offer them back as well:

   -reliability (if I say I’ll do something, I really aim to do it. If there’s a planned time to meet, i’m there 5 minutes earlier)

   -honesty (see above for honesty. I try and be honest back when I expect that from people)

   -Being real. Friendship shouldn’t be about the image you have, or the memories that look good when you post them on Instagram. Let’s try to be more real than that. If i’m posting things on socials, more often than not I’m a bit bored or wanting it to look like i’m having a great time. But an actual great time is when i’m having too much fun to remember to take a photo of it.

   -Trying to keep in mind it’s not all about me. While I stick to these principles and get enriched from them, there’s a give-and-take that is inherent in true friendship. I’ve been a ‘needy’ friend before, and thank God my friends stuck by me through those times. Sometimes friends might be ‘needy’ for a time too; I try to be careful not to write people off or quit the friendship too quickly because i’ve been that person. Sometimes you do give more than take. Sometimes it’s unbalanced. If it’s a season and not a permanent way of being…stick it out. On the flipside, sometimes it is okay to let go of ‘friendships’ that continually cause hurt, or feel forced, or are born out of convenience. Be kind to yourself in those regards.

   -Kindness. This one is important if you’re going to do the honesty thing- kindness means being honest with extreme care. Kindness should be non-negotiable; it comes before judgement. Kindness makes you into a good listener.

As for where to start meeting good, quality friends: this is a tricky part. For me, I met some great people through volunteering and having shared difficult experiences, some through church, some through work, some through being involved in art communities. Hobbies can expose you to so many different types of people. And if you’re thinking to yourself that you really don’t know where to even start with this whole topic- start with yourself. You have things to offer others- make a list of them. Think about qualities you’d like to add to your list or work on. Writing it out might help clarify your thoughts. What qualities do you really like in others? What type of friend do you want to be? Start with what you do have control over.

Are there other things you value in your friendships? Things I’ve not included in the list? I’d love to hear what other people think.

Anxiety Is A Bad Designated Driver

I have written about this topic before, but considering October is our month to focus on mental health awareness, and tomorrow is Mental Health Day, I thought it was fitting to re-share some of my thoughts and experiences here.

This drawing, ‘Anxiety Is A Bad Designated Driver’, is one I drew in 2012, while I was experiencing some difficulties with anxiety (which I still do, from time to time, but thankfully to a lesser extent)

I drew myself small, so very small, in comparison to the vehicle that I was trying to drive (Unhelpful that there is a flat tire, and that anxious arms are trying to steer)

This was the state of my mind when I was 17. I felt worried about so many things- the future, myself, how i fit with people socially, whether I was liked, but one thing in particular was the most crippling- driving a car.

I remember when I first got my licence, I would print out google maps and study them very intensely and repeatedly before driving anywhere. I remember also asking my parents to explain exactly the route to take, as well as having the map, and having to listen multiple times to directions before feeling any level of ease at all.

I also remember the feeling in my body- very, very sore shoulders all the time from being so tense before and during driving anywhere. I’d feel shaky. Panicked if the set route had any sort of detour. Almost that hyper-alert, uncomfortable state where I could ever just relax behind the wheel.

I was SO anxious about driving. I remember one night, I’d dropped a friend off after an event quite late at night, turned my GPS on, and still accidentally took some back roads because it was dark and I was tired. I completely panicked, pulled over and cried my eyes out, shaking and unable to think clearly, because I felt lost. Despite my GPS literally telling me how to get on track, I called my parents and cried to them. They gently listened and tried to work out where I was and help me find the way. Their calming reassurance soothed my anxiety, and my head finally cleared so I could follow instruction. Turns out I was about 20m from the freeway entry I needed to take the whole time..

Anxiety is like that though, isn’t it? Doesn’t matter if logic is presented to you, or things seem obvious to others-anxiety can feel like a blindfold that stops you being able to logically process anything.

Some things that the people around me did to help (which could be applicable if you know someone who experiences anxiety) are:

• Offering me reassurance (even if I asked for it 10 times, or needed to hear ‘you’ll get there’ over and over again, repeatedly, until it sort of sank in on some level)

• “bearing with” me to help me find my way again. 

• Not pointing out the ridiculous level of my worry, and not making me feel stupid for needing so much reassurance

I’m so thankful that some years later I really love driving. I drive A LOT. And now it is basically with complete ease- no trace of the panic, no trace of the tension in my body, no trace of the stress..even with unexpected detours, even with wrong turns. Back then though I couldn’t imagine ever feeling differently..panic and stress was all I felt about it. I don’t share this to brag about my driving skills now, I share to say- when we are experiencing something as immediate and crippling as anxiety it can be hard to believe we will ever feel differently. I’d have never believed that one day I would drive confidently and happily. I’d never have even imagined it could change.

But with time, help and support, and slow, incremental work, things can change. If you’re in the midst of that panic, that anxiety- things can change. You probably won’t believe me now. Anxiety probably won’t give you that permission. But just because there is a struggle that feels permanent doesn’t mean it will be.

The Mysterious Quest For New

The use of art/ image-making in uni life, workshops and in a therapeutic context with others means I have neglected my own art practice for the last little while (When i say neglect- I still draw and make stuff but way less than I otherwise would). I haven't had the brain-space to throw myself into my own personal art.

Of late I have been asking myself questions. I have a stirring for something. I don't fully know what it is. A different door to walk through? I feel like a life chapter or chapter in my art practice is changing, ending, adapting...something.

This post is partly a cry for advice- are you a creative that has felt creatively 'flat' or 'dead' and had to revive your practice? Have you felt the dull familiarity of a 'same old' approach? (btw, 'same old' works, obviously it's used so much for that exact reason. It works. But it does get 'old') How did you find renewal? 

I remember being 17 and getting told in art at school that I was allowed to use any medium I liked for that particular unit. I chose biro and pencils and it was like fireworks went off in my head. I pretty rapidly and excitedly created a few big drawings and it wasn't technique driving me; it was pure emotion. I will never forget the exhilaration of the 'first' time I got to use those materials. 

It might be futile to want that feeling of excitement back again. I wonder if it can be found in another material? Partly it feels like actively looking for 'new' somehow already ruins the mystery; i'd much prefer to accidentally stumble upon it and find it without trying. How does one carry on in the hopes of discovering 'new' in their art practice? I've been pushing myself slightly, though: I tried a rough drawing-what-i-see exercise ( I drew my Nana's kitchen..my practice is usually deliberately only drawing what I can't visually see) and it was actually fun. I've also done a throwing/ clay workshop which I found challenging and interesting. So perhaps it's more little new things on the road to discovering a big new approach. I don't know......

any ideas about redeeming/ renewal/ refreshing in art practice are extremely welcome!

PS Thanks for being here/for reading/ much appreciated. :)

Scarf Life

Hi friends! 

I am delving into the world of fabric!.

I am trialling having my artworks printed onto fabric and selling scarves. I've had a test run of two designs and both sold awfully fast! THANKYOU to those who bought one! 

I have had lots of interest so there is more fabric on the way and I will be releasing my next (very limited) batch of scarves in March sometime so look out! 

Here's how the first run turned out.. 

More updates on this project to come...

:)

P.S My Nana is a FABULOUS woman and has put all the hard yards in for hemming! So grateful for her skills.

A Brain Experiencing Dementia

I watched a really fascinating short documentary recently about art therapy with dementia sufferers. I am training to become a clinical arts therapist and seeing how art works with various demographics is always really cool.

'A Brain Experiencing Dementia' 2017 original

This short quote is taken directly from the article and video: “Dementia is a terrible disorder,” says Associate Professor Olivier Piguet from Neuroscience Research Australia.

“There is a progressive loss of nerve cells and at the moment there is nothing to stop this process.

“If we look at the analogy of an orchestra, the frontal lobes being the conductor, your conductor is becoming less efficient. Part of the orchestra is starting to play different tunes.”

This analogy of a brain being affected by dementia really captured my imagination. 

Here, I have created the confused and nonsensical conductor (or the frontal lobe, which is the yellow part of the brain perched on his shower cap) who is sending his musicians (the rest of the brain) either to sleep or causing them to play awfully out of tune with each other. 

Dementia is a horrible disease to experience but this analogy gives us some basic understanding of what the brain is actually doing. And it's wonderful that art can put a pause on or alleviate some of the distress that this disease creates. 

Watch the full video here 

Click for poster print of this image